Happy Friday and Happy November everyone!
Yesterday was not the best day of my life. I was frustrated with everything, just life in general. The other day Jen and I were commenting on how we never live for today and how we are always working toward something yet never enjoy it. I keep waiting for the day when I start to live my life, and I have to say, it isn’t working for me!
Truthfully, it is very difficult to feel “there” while in school. I am constantly working off of a syllabus and reading/writing/studying for something coming up and planning my work schedule. It has created a monster out of me. I now plan every second of my life and when it doesn’t go as planned, I flip out. If I don’t do the dishes, I punish myself. It goes for anything, and I never feel like I deserve anything. That doesn’t mean I sit at home and mope, I go and do fun things, but I always feel guilt.
The things that are bothering me lately are bigger than chores. I want to finish school. I only have one class until my BA is done, but I still have to get into and graduate from law school and pass the bar. That could take another 5 years….ew!! This is stopping me from doing other things that I want to do, like save money to buy a house, get married, and have children. Granted, I will save money when I graduate, but I feel so behind. I also can’t control when I get married, you all know how I feel about that. The biggest thing is waiting to have kids. I want to be married and finished with school and by then I will probably be 32. That sounds young enough, but I FEEL ready. I really want to be a wife and a mother, and do fun family things. I should probably concentrate on my current life. People always tell me to enjoy being young and not having kids, but it is so hard!!
My whole life I have felt like I need to be something, and do something better than expected. I have always wanted to impress my family and live up to my own standards. I have to tell you, not going as planned. How do you feel ok with your life when it is not what you hoped it would be?
I always ask myself, Are we there yet?